Perfect Day for a Woman:
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lb.
lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor café.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 Shopping with friends.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist.
Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner.
Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two, followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
Perfect Day for a Man:
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
2 dozen oysters on the half shell.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport.
Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin -1249 lbs.
5:00 Jet back home.
En route, get massage from naked supermodel.
Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz.
New York strip steak.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart.
Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.